Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
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Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.