Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
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Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
nice challenge
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.