[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
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Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.