My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
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Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s