contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
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Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”