I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
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It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.