Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
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I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
#Caturday
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Siri: Retweet me.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.