During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
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When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”