Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
You Might Also Like
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
this isn’t threatening at all
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
True
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.