Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
You Might Also Like
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Meow?
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair