DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
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If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.