People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
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Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Only a mother’s love …
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/