how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
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Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I WON A HAM TODAY
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.