since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
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Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
CRYING
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood