How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
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I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
No, YOUR illiterate.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”