WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
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Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?