R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
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If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
“What movie?” 🤔
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Zack Greinke stories are the best