I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
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Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
I’M CRYINGGG
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Beware…..
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Unimpressed
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.