a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
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Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Lunatics are gonna loon.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
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Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
bad news gang
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning