Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
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Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..