All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
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The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
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Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
What the dentist sees