I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
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I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
listen closely
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
the answer was staring at me all along
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.