I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
just leave it at the foot of the bed
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
and this one
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs