Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
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Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I can fix him.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Can’t stop laughing
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants