A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
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I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Monday
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.