TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
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COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
#ParentingFacts
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”