My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
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The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Spa day..😅
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Brands during Pride
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”