Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
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If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
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Pregnant:
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Dead:
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The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up