I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
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Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.