I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
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me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
#parenting
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.