Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
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“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
I’ve been drinking.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator