To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
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15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.