wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
You Might Also Like
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”