My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
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I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?