I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
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Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No