Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
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New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
my astrological sign is a french fry
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
I’m calling the cops.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble