Autocarrot sucks!
You Might Also Like
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Smooooooth
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician