[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
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how do lawyers not cry when arguing
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”