Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
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You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased