3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
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Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.