*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
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I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”