medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
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Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union