My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
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H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
what does he know…
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Can Happiness buy money?
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache