One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
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it be like that
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
concern
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.