7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
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I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker