Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
You Might Also Like
so this horse walks into a bar
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
oh my gosh!!
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide