adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
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turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.