Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
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A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf