Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
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*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
My neck my back my allergy attack
me after eating Cheetos
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.