Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
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half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Why are bridges so flammable.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards